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In the world of Deus Ex: Human Revolution , what upgrades would you get? John Cooper makes a list of biomechanical enhancements that didn’t make it into the game

I’ve only had two days to play new game Deus Ex: Human Revolution before going on the road for a month. Consequently, I only had time to play a couple of levels, perform a hacking upgrade and stack boxes against a wall to see how high I could get, before I had to prise myself away to do unpleasant stuff like real work.

If you’re not familiar with Deus Ex see my previous blog here . I’m now listening to the soundtrack from the previous games on loop to stave off the withdrawal. And, because I can’t get the world of Deus Ex out of my mind, I also can’t help pondering on pointless things like: if we really did have the power to become trans-human and upgrade ourselves in any way we liked, what would you get done?

I’ve made a list:

Shoulder fanfare Tiny speakers built into your shoulders that play a little fanfare when you walk into a room.

Fat plug A bit yucky, but awesomely practical. Basically a small filter in your guts that breaks down all the fat so you don’t put on weight and can have that extra large cheese feast pizza without regret. Hurray!

Make-it-better mouth Like the social enhancer in the game itself, used to detect what to say for a peaceful outcome, but with a romantic firmware upgrade so when I argue with my missus I can make it better, not worse.

After hours auto-pilot I’m sure I used to have this already installed after for use after a big night out, but as I get older I begin to worry it’s on the blink: an upgrade to stop you waking up at your mates house or a back alley when you have your own home.

Eye-google For pub quizzes.

G-force drive enhancer A receptor that accentuates the reaction of your body to movement and pressure, so you feel like you’re having a wild fun rollercoaster ride, when you’re actually driving 20mph down a gridlocked M4.

Insta-beard Self-explanatory fashion item.

Awkward eliminator A big upgrade which does things like identifying where to stand in an unknown room at parties, name recognition, geek barometer, music suggester, etc.

Bus catcher Leg enhancements that make you get up and leave the house five minutes earlier so you actually get the bus you intended.

Want to add your own suggestions? Feel free in the comments section below…

John Is currently on tour with One Man Star Wars and was last seen walking around the Borehamwood Premier Inn car park at two in the morning with a large cardboard box on his head making beeping noises pretending to be the gonk droid and causing the staff distress.

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