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Hans Gruber Die Hard (1988)
The Character: One of the most charismatic and marvellously evil baddies of 80s cinema – the tower block-seizing German terrorist intent on destroying John McClane.
The Beard: 80s Wall Street chic.
Strokability: Sure, he’d likely you fling you out a 40 storey window shortly after, but it’d be worth it just to see his megalomaniacal reaction.
Bearded Women Monty Python’s Life Of Brian (1979)
The Characters: A bunch of men who are DEFINITELY NOT WOMEN who turn up for the daily stoning.
The Beards: As naff and knock-off as you can get.
Strokability: They’d probably fall apart mid-stroke, but you could certainly give it a shot.
Steve Zissou The Life Aquatic With Steve Sizzou (2004)
The Character: The titular explorer (Bill Murray), who’s on a vengeance-fuelled mission to take down a killer jaguar shark that may or may not exist.
The Beard: A fastidiously-trimmed salt n pepper number that looks great when paired with a bright red hat.
Strokability: Relatively high, though only because we think it might cheer Steve up a bit.
Joe (AKA The Man with No Name) A Fistful Of Dollars (1964)
The Character: One of the most iconic and stoic cowboys of all moviedom, Clint Eastwood’s stranger is as enigmatic as he is deadly.
The Beard: Grizzled and worn, just like its owner.
Strokability: We figure it’s a beard borne more from manliness than tenderness.
Clubber Lang Rocky 3 (1982)
The Character: The brash boxing up-and-comer who steals Rocky’s crown (for a bit, anyway).
The Beard: The mohican really brings out the muttonchops.
Strokability: Sure, he’d likely you fling you out a 40 storey window shortly after, but it’d be worth it just to see his megalomaniacal reaction.
Jack Sparrow Pirates of the Caribbean (2003)
The Character: The most flamboyant, sexiest pirate oddball of all the seven seas.
The Beard: Any pirate worth his gold needs a beard. And Jack’s is as particular as the rest of him – with two twiddlesome, beadable beard bits hanging down from his chin.
Strokability : As long as you’re down with scurvy, go nuts.
Man – The Road (2009)
The Character: The imaginatively titled Man (Viggo Mortensen) is on a morally complex mission to survive in a ruthless post-apocalyptic world whilst protecting his son at all costs.
The Beard: Beards. BEARDS EVERYWHERE! Yep, it appears that when the apocalypse hits, razors vanish as quickly as morals. Not the most inviting of beards.
Strokability: He might think you’re trying to steal it, and then it’s goodbye consciousness.
Sgt. Michael ‘Mike’ Vronsky Deer Hunter (1978)
The Character: A Russian American steel worker transformed by his experiences in the Vietnam war.
The Beard: Gnarled but tidy.
Strokability: You’d want to stroke it just to try to take some of the PTSD pain away.
Al Pacino Jack & Jill (2011)
The Character: Al Pacino crops up in this bad taste comedy playing a version of himself who falls head-over-beard for Jill (a dragged-up Adam Sandler).
The Beard: A fake beard that Pacino uses to hide behind when he goes to watch sport.
Strokability: Stroke it and it’ll probably come away in your hands – and make Mr Pacino very, very angry.
Chewbacca – Star Wars (1977)
The Character: Legendary Wookiee and co-pilot of the Millennium Falcon.
The Beard: Arguably the most controversial on this list, at what point does a Wookiee’s overall hairiness become a beard? Our argument – those chin wisps are definitely trimmable. Ergo beard.
Strokability: He’d growl whilst you’re doing it, but it’d be worth it.
Calvin J. Candie – Django Unchained (2012)
The Character: The brutal, cruel owner of the Candyland plantation who likes to enjoy forcing his slaves to fight each other to the death. Charming.
The Beard: Arguably the most evil beard on this whole list. Look at it. Just pure, malevolent beardiness.
Strokability: At your peril.
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