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Pokemon is all about the friendship and trust that can form between a young adult and a wild animal wielding magical powers. It’s the cornerstone of the franchise: that Pokemon aren’t just weapons or tools, but allies and friends. ‘You teach me and I’ll teach you’ and all that. That’s all well and good, but the problem is not all Pokemon are really friendship material. Some are just assholes.
There are a lot of different factors that can contribute to a Pokemon being an asshole. Some just have a bad personality, or tend to pop up a bit too often. However, others are more sadistic, combining a frustrating move set with an equally-annoying trait, creating a fighting force that’ll drain your Pokemon’s health points… as well as your soul. These are the top ten worst offenders.
#10 – Bidoof
The worst part is Bidoof dominates the tall grass. I think, deep down, Bidoof realizes it exists to make other Pokemon look better by comparison. All of a sudden that Kakuna doesn’t look so bad when the eight Pokemon you saw before it were all Bidoofs. Maybe that’s why Bidoof is always harassing you. It knows you don’t like it, and it’s spiteful.
#09 – Snover
The worst part is the hail. Hail is the most annoying weather condition in the game. It doesn’t have the high-level, strategic benefits of rain or a sandstorm (weather conditions you can base a whole team on). No, it just wastes your time. And Snover, well, this little guy whips up a hail storm as soon as it enters battle.
#08 – Graveler
The worst part is Graveler loves using self destruct. Caves are a bad time in Pokemon games, and the Gravelers tendency to blow themselves up at random doesn’t help the matter. Here you are, trying to grind out some late-game experience points, and these little bastards don’t even have the common courtesy to die – excuse me, faint – correctly. Sheesh.
#07 – Tentacool
The worst part is Tentacool wants to be your new best friend. That’s why he keeps showing up in seemingly every open body of water you visit. Want to pop on over to Cinnabar Island? Your old buddy Tentacool is there. Fishing for a cool new water Pokemon? Your old buddy Tentacool is there! Trying to get away from all those Tentacools? YOUR OLD BUDDY TENTACOOL IS THERE!!
#06 – Blissey
The worst part is fighting another player’s Blissey is like fighting a brick wall made out of concrete. If you don’t have something to counter this beast you’re basically hosed because it just won’t die. Wish and protect keep Blissey on life support while it slowly, agonizingly whittles down your Pokemon into nothing. And it’s so damn cheerful about it too.
#05 – Voltorb
The worst part is Voltorb is designed to LOOK like an item (or maybe it’s the other way around). We’ve all been there: walking around some run-down power plant and you spot what is hopefully a potion only to discover that – fuck you – it’s actually a Voltorb. Have fun getting hit by sonic boom over and over again.
#04 – Whimsicott
The worst part is this little bundle of hate packs two flavors of pain. First, its prankster trait means it can reliably use status-effecting moves first in a turn. And second, well, let’s just say leech seed, stun spore, taunt and others are much easier to deal with if you can get a shot off first.
#03 – Jirachi
The worst part is Jirachi has access to the serene grace trait, which doubles the chance of a move having an additional effect. What this means is if you run into a Jirachi using, say, body slam or iron head it’ll basically lock you out of playing the game because you’ll be suffering from paralysis or flinching each turn.
#02 – Zubat
The worst part is Zubats are everywhere. They’re in your dreams, your nightmares. The sheer frequency with which you encounter these little demons is so intense that they have become, arguably, THE most hated pokemon in existence. But they’re still not the biggest assholes. No, that title goes to
#01 – Missingno.
The worst part is Missingno. can screw up your save data. Which, if you think about it, is the ultimate insult a Pokemon could inflict; it’s basically super effective against you, the player. If you’re willing to play with fire, Missingno. CAN be used to gain a ton of rare candies, but is that really worth the risk?
The jerk store called
If you or someone you know is currently teaming up with one of the Pokemon listed in this feature, take action. One of the greatest contributing factors to a young adult’s emotional development is who he or she chooses to spend time with. Don’t let yourself or someone you know fall in with the wrong crowd and turn into a total asshole like Zubat or Graveler.
And for more Pokemon fun take a look at The Top 7… weirdest theories about the Pokemon universe and Top 20 most awkward middle-stage Pokemon.
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For as charming as the Pokmon universe might be, there’s no denying that some things simply don’t add up. There are weird inconsistencies, strange occurrences, and plot holes that haven’t been addressed. Hell, if anything, even more have surfaced: Pokmon X and Y randomly added the idea that there were freakin’ giants roaming through the world. Giants. Why.
And then there’s the ‘dex itself. The Pokdex is the home of all Pokmon information in the known universe, and includes descriptions of all 700+ pocket monsters. Even more confusingly, there are different descriptions for every generation of Pokmon, and every game. And, sometimes, they don’t make a lick of sense, either by contradicting each other or simply being filled with impossibilities. Let’s dive head-first into the weird world of the Pokdex and see what we can find. (Bonus points if you read this entire article out loud in a weird robot voice.)
Kadabra
The ‘dex says: “It happened one morning–a boy with extrasensory powers awoke in bed transformed into Kadabra.” (FireRed)
Why that doesn’t make sense: Kadabra, if you don’t know, is actually the evolution of Abra in the Pokmon universe. Kadabras don’t just show up on their own; they need to start as another Pokmon, so the idea that a child could somehow transform into a Kadabra is patently ridiculous, even in a world where electric rats zap people with lightning for stealing their poffins.
Entei
The ‘dex says: “Volcanoes erupt when it barks. Unable to restrain its extreme power, it races headlong around the land.” (Silver) “A Pokmon that races across the land. It is said that one is born every time a new volcano appears.” (Gold)
Why that doesn’t make sense: Technically, we need two Pokdex entries to really figure this guy out. The first, from Silver, says that every time Entei barks, it causes volcanoes to erupt. That’s not really possible, but makes more sense than the second entry, which says that every time a new volcano appears, an Entei is born. But Entei are Legendary Pokmon, meaning they’re super rare (many Legendaries are the only of their kind). Also, doesn’t this mean that an Entei’s bark could sprout a new volcano, which erupts to create another Entei, which will eventually bark, which sprouts…oh god the second a car drives by, the world would be absolutely covered in lava.
Dusclops
The ‘dex says: “Dusclops’ body is completely hollow–there is nothing at all inside. It is said that its body is like a black hole. This Pokmon will absorb anything into its body, but nothing will ever come back out.” (Ruby)
Why that doesn’t make sense: The first law of thermodynamics states that energy can be neither created nor destroyed, meaning that the inside of Dusclops needs to eventually fill up, right? Even if it’s totally hollow at first, it’ll eventually absorb stuff, and need to do something with that energy. The energy has to go somewhere, making this Pokemon’s hollowness a physical impossibility or a portal to a new dimension?
Metang
The ‘dex says: “It floats midair using magnetism. Its body is so tough, even a crash with a jet plane won’t leave a scratch.” (FireRed)
Why that doesn’t make sense: First, let’s discuss exactly how unreasonably strong Metang would need to be in order to not be scratched by a jet plane. For the sake of example, we’ll say that a Boeing 747 is smashing into a hovering Metang. That means that a giant hunk of metal–weighing 735,000 pounds–can smash into this thing at upwards of 550 MPH without leaving a mark. That’s absurd, but misses the bigger point: did did anyone ever test this? Were ridiculously expensive transports and/or human lives sacrificed in the pursuit of Pokedex knowledge? Professor Oak, what hath your hubris wrought?
Magcargo
The ‘dex says: “Magcargo’s body temperature is approximately 18,000 degrees F. Water is vaporized on contact. If this Pokmon is caught in the rain, the raindrops instantly turn into steam, cloaking the area in a thick fog.” (Sapphire)
Why that doesn’t make sense: Listen, Nintendo, we get it–Magcargo is hot. But he isn’t that hot. Lava is 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The sun? About 10,000 degrees F at the surface. That means that Magcargo is nearly two times as hot as the sun, and he’s just kinda wandering around the world. Hell, a nuclear power plant suffers a meltdown at 5,189 degrees F (according to this science website I found), meaning that if Magcargo really was 18,000, he’d likely melt a holy from one side of the world to the other. It’s called “China Syndrome,” look it up.
Grimer
The ‘dex says: “Sludge exposed to X-rays from the moon transformed into Grimer. It loves feeding on filthy things.” (X)
Why that doesn’t make sense: Hey guys! Did you know the moon shoots out X-rays? What? It doesn’t? Oh, then this doesn’t make any sense at all. While the moon does, technically bounce some of the sun’s radiation towards the planet, it doesn’t emit any of its own, and those reflective rays certainly haven’t been known to spawn any monsters. Wouldn’t there be other creatures created by moon X-rays if this was the case? Also, did these moon rays just create the first one, or are all Grimers made by these moon X-rays? And before you say, “Oh, their world isn’t the same as ours, maybe their moon is different!” I suggest you look into…
Parasect
The ‘dex says: “It scatters toxic spores from the mushroom cap. In China, the spores are used as herbal medicine.” (FireRed)
Why that doesn’t make sense: Kanto. Johto. Hoenn. Sinnoh. Unova. China. One of these things is not like the other. While it’s easy to assume that the Pokmon world is a land of its own, Parasect’s Pokdex entry grounds the whole thing squarely on Earth. Well, that, or there’s another planet out there with humans, and a country called China which has a history with using mushrooms as herbal medicine but that doesn’t explain why Raichu’s entry specifically mentions India. Then again, Earth doesn’t have any Pokmon on it, leaving this ‘dex entry square in WTFville.
Spoink
The ‘dex says: “Spoink bounces around on its tail. The shock of its bouncing makes its heart pump. As a result, this Pokmon cannot afford to stop bouncing–if it stops, its heart will stop.” (Ruby)
Why that doesn’t make sense: At face value, this is more sensational than outright nonsensical–it’s basically like a shark, in that it can’t stop moving lest it die. But unlike a shark, Spoink is often forced to battle other creatures until it faints. Fainting usually requires you to sorta stop moving. That means that any time you’ve defeated a Spoink in battle, you’ve caused it to go into cardiac arrest. That, or this Pokdex entry is full of lies.
Larvitar
The ‘dex says: “It feeds on soil. After it has eaten a large mountain, it will fall asleep so it can grow.” (Gold)
Why that doesn’t make sense: This seems like it might be problematic. If every Lavitar eats one mountain to grow, you’d think that would lead to an eventual shortage of mountains. I don’t know how many Larvitar there are in the world, but in-game, they’re relatively common, meaning that the mountain population must be in a bad place. And once they actually do eat a mountain they grow into Tryanitar, and, well, things get worse…
Tyranitar
The ‘dex says: “If it rampages, it knocks down mountains and buries rivers. Maps must be redrawn afterward.” (Diamond/Pearl)
Why that doesn’t make sense: Firstly, WHAT DO THESE CREATURES HAVE AGAINST MOUNTAINS?! Secondly, this seems to be a bad idea in terms of the sustainability of the -itar race. Every time a Tyranitar knocks down a mountain, it’s denying a Larvitar of a delicious treat. That’s just bad for the species, man. Unless, of course, this is how those pesky Entei’s are kept in check…
Gotta WHAT ’em all
And, honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg. When doing research for this I found dozens of other weird ‘dex entries that technically made sense, but were really, really weird. They didn’t fit here, but who knows? If you folks like hearing about this sort of rubbish enough, there might be more dives into the dark underbelly of Pokemon in the near future.
And if you’re looking for more, check out the weirdest theories about the Pokemon universe and the most disturbing Pokedex entries.
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]]>Pokemon X and Y Weekly is GamesRadar’s weekly Pokemon X and Y show. The title was a pretty obvious hint. Come back every Tuesday for the latest news, analysis, and speculation about the next generation of Pocket Monsters. You can also check out our Pokemon X and Y review.
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It’s finally here. Pokemon X and Y have been released, and add dozens of new pocket-sized (and building-sized) monsters to the world. You’ve likely read our Pokemon X and Y review, but now it’s time to see all of the new creatures with your own eyes.
It’s hard enough to remember the first 649 (most of us can’t get past the original 151), so we’ve prepared this handy-dandy guide with images of every new Pokemon in the game. These are the ‘mons you’ll see as you spend the next few dozen hours attempting to catch as many of them as possible–maybe even ’em all!
Chespin
The sixth generation’s Grass Type starter, Chespin is a “shelled chestnut Pokemon.” Basically, it’s a living chestnut that also resembles a chipmunk or other small rodent. That hard shell protecting his head and body should prove useful, though.
How to get: Given by a friend at the beginning of the game.
Quilladin
The first evolution of this generation’s Grass Starter is Quilladin, and… well, we’re not sure what he’s supposed to be. He looks like a squirrel that ate a pine cone so big he took the shape of it. Quilladin can learn Mud Shot, a Ground-type move super effective against Fire types. That should help out a lot in battle, considering how many people have already pledged allegiance to Fennekin.
How to get: Evolves from Chespin at level 16.
Chesnaut
How to get: Evolves from Quilladin at level 36.
Fennekin
Following in the Pokesteps of Charmander and Chimchar is Fennekin, based on the real-life fennec foxes of the Sahara Desert. Fennekin can blow hot air out of those large ears that will reach temperatures of over 200 degrees Celsius. We bet hot air will be coming out of opposing trainers’ ears too when our Fennekin kicks some butt.
Braixen
By evolving into Braixen, the Fire-type starter shifts from four legs to two and brings along a stick wedged in its tail. That stick will factor in battle, as Braixen can turn into a burning wand with which to use Fire attacks as if they’re magic spells. Farfetch’d can take his leek and go home. Its featured move is Psyshock, a special attack that deals damage based on the opponent’s Defense like a physical attack, not Special Defense.
How to get: Evolves from Fennekin at level 16.
Delphox
How to get: Evolves from Braixen at level 36.
Froakie
This bullfrog carries the Water-type starter flag championed by Squirtle, Totodile, and Mudkip. The bubbles on its chest serve as both protection and projectiles in battle. What does that tell you? Froakie here will be learning Bubble and Bubblebeam at some point.
Frogadier
Frogadier takes the cuteness of Froakie and turns it into a look of flash and debonair. Using his enhanced jumping capabilities, Frogadier can learn Bounce, a Flying-type move that’s super effective against Grass types. That should help with one of his biggest weaknesses, but we hope he has something up his sleeve to deal with those Electric types. The last thing we’d want is to be Thundershocked to oblivion when we’re on a roll.
How to get: Evolves from Froakie at level 16.
Greninja
How to get: Evolves from Frogadier at level 36.
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