“You need to listen to me,” says Gordon to his clients, who’ve included Alice Cooper, Pink Floyd and Teddy Pendergrass. “If I do my job perfectly, I will probably kill you.” He’s only just kidding.

What follows tracks his career from playing band manager as a front for selling drugs, to hitting it big with Cooper through a series of Spinal Tap -ish stunts. Gordon and Cooper offer eyebrow-raising anecdotes, and the film’s strongest when focusing on their antics. But Gordon’s ambitions didn’t stop with music, later managing celebrity chefs, turning Buddhist and becoming a Hollywood svengali. Myers describes hanging out at a Gordon party as “like being at Madame Tussauds”.

In truth, there’s almost too much material here and Myers is more interested in deifying Gordon than asking questions. These guys must know where the bodies are buried (“I’ve told Shep things I’ve never told anybody else,” Douglas admits), but they’re not going to tell us. While it lasts, it’s fun to be invited to the party, and even Gordon’s critics would have to admit he’s a man you couldn’t make up.

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The story’s rooted in what should’ve been a bout for the ages: the tie-breaking third tilt between Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp (Sylvester Stallone, flexing hangdog charm) and Billy ‘The Kid’ McDonnen (Robert De Niro, content playing the clownish heel). However, Sharp handed in his gloves on the eve of the showdown, denying Billy the satisfaction of knowing who was best.

When the former pugilists cross paths 30 years later and come to blows while shooting motion-capture sequences for a video game (in the only scene that allows director Peter Segal to flaunt some flair for physical comedy), an opportunistic promoter (Kevin Hart) pounces on the chance to stage the long-delayed rematch.

While the Rocky Balboa vs. Jake LaMotta premise reads like outrageous fan fiction, Tim Kelleher and Rodney Rothman’s script features only standard-issue redemption and hackneyed old-age gags (although Viagra jokes are conspicuous by their absence, so that’s something).

Both protagonists are waiting for people they’ve wronged to come crawling back to them, whether it’s Henry’s ex-lover (Kim Basinger) or Billy’s illegitimate son ( The Walking Dead ’s Jon Bernthal). Sadly, the adult support cast is neglected in favour of a tagalong moppet (Camden Gray), who’s allowed to mug insufferably for the camera.

After an endless wait, Stallone and De Niro finally square off but their gazes rarely meet. It’s as if they’re both embarrassingly aware of how they’re tarnishing their reputations for the sake of a few easy laughs.

Verdict:

Rather than getting us on the ropes and landing some telling blows, Grudge Match keeps its distance and tosses meek jabs. Cheap sentimentality can’t disguise the crashing cynicism on display.

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