Borussia Mönchengladbach’s Yann Sommer gurns like a smug boy-prince as he remarks on how good his numbers have come out, while his teammate, Julian Kobb talks about how he’s 20 points behind his colleagues with a thousand-yard stare. No one fully loses it, but there’s a special kind of flintiness behind the voice of André Hahn when he says “Definitely increase my pace. I am not that slow on the field.” He manages to smile for a second before his eyes go dead and his head drops ever so slightly, as if he’s about to stick his forehead through the camera lens.

However, the saddest – and therefore my favourite – is Bayer Leverkusen’s Christoph Kramer. His clips are heartbreaking and beautiful, as he bemoans his dribbling, admits that he’s much too slow in real life, making that stat realistic, then takes a handbrake turn into despair. The moment he says he wishes he could hit an overall rating of 80 because it’s been his dream since 1999 is devastating from a man with an estimated net worth of $18,000,000. He tops it all off by having a minor existential crisis, explaining that he was forced to swap himself out of his own FIFA team, because he wasn’t good enough.

As my second-favourite fake German (Hans Gruber, before you ask) once said:

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